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Thursday, April 16, 2009

If Amitabh Bachchan were to launch a TV channel...

Posted: Apr 16, 2009 

The 'Shahenshah' of Bollywood Amitabh Bachchan may have dismissed the news that he is planning to launch a TV channel but that hasn't prevented a Pakistani news magazine from speculating about the would-be venture. 

The potential breaking news on Big B's channel? "Aishwarya pregnant!" Resident political analyst? "Amar Singh of the Samajwadi Party, given his close friendship with Amitabh". Topping the banned topics on the channel? "Slumdog Millionaire" reads a write-up in Instep magazine. The make-believe account of how the channel will work with the "original Don at the helm" is hilarious. Shahrukh Khan, who has been in a row or two with Big B, and Hrithik Roshan, because of his screen chemistry with Aishwarya, would be banned by the channel. 

There would also be "a complete blanket ban on all former flames of the Bachchans: Rekha, Karisma Kapoor, Salman Khan, Vivek Oberoi," says the write-up titled "If Amitabh launches a news channel". Apart from the ban on celebrities, certain controversial topics too will be banished. "Slumdog Millionaire, the Academy Awards" and any Ram Gopal Verma films starring any Bachchan that may have flopped at the box office will never be discussed. Jaya Entertainment Programming will show constant replay of footage from the Unforgettable Tour featuring all the Bachchans; the IIFA awards featuring Bachchans in all their glory; any and all award ceremonies where the Bachchans have been awarded prizes "whether they deserved them or not". 

The channel will also replay all films that originally starred Amitabh and have been remade, to point out how much better Amitabh's films were. Constant replays and re-runs of the "Great Bachchan Temple Hopping Sprees" will be allotted special slots. The news content will be driven from what Amitabh writes on his blog The newscasters would, of course, be Abhishek and Aishwarya Rai Bachchan and the potential breaking news would be "Aishwarya pregnant!" or "Abhishek is Bollywood's no 1 hero". Celebrities who would "constantly be praised to the skies" would include the Bachchan clan, Ram Gopal Varma, Yash Chopra, Karan Johar, Preity Zinta, John Abraham, Akshay Kumar "and again, the Bachchan clan". 

The channel which would be run with the tagline 'Rishte mai to hum tumhare baap lagte hain, naam hai Shehenshah!', would have Amar Singh of the Samajwadi Party as the resident political analyst. The speculation about the channel came in the wake of news items last week that Amitabh Bachchan is planning to launch a news channel named India 24x7. Discussions on "Kaun Banega Crorepati", the period during which Amitabh was not working in Indian films would not be encouraged. 

So would personal information such as why "Amitabh dyes his hair but not his goatee; Jaya Bachchan's unfortunate run-in with the MNS over the Marathi speaking row (and) the Bachchan's fall-out with the Gandhis..."


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